A few nights back, we had a discussion about sex (not safe sex, but sex as a pleasurable act) in one of my local groups. And a lot of the discussions we had during the evening, as well as some I’ve had with others recently, have really helped me figure myself out more in some ways, and confused the issue more in others.
For example, in talking about how there’s really no word for me and my attractions, it really came down that my attractions are based on personality type, and the personality type I like is very atypical of men here in the U.S., but not non-existent. Good examples of both cis men and women that are the kinds of people I like would be Neil Gaiman and Rachel Maddow: educated, continues to educate themselves, uses their intelligence rather than letting it go to waste, sensitive, open minded, etc. So in that regard, I guess I’m panromantic, just have a type that is rare in cis men.
But coming with that comes the question of if I’m truly asexual, or just dysphoric. There are lots of asexuals who can and do enjoy sex, but just don’t desire it or don’t have attractions. I’ve seen myself begin developing physical attractions the past month or two, and it may just be I have yet to have an enjoyable experience, one that fits my body as it should be. But I may still be asexual, because I don’t have a desire for sex, though that may continue to change as my body transitions.
Speaking of, I’m not even sure what flavor of trans I am anymore, as there are a lot of indications leaning back and forth between trans woman and genderqueer. I’m thinking a bit of both. I mean, yes, I want my body to be much more female than it is now, and I definitely prefer female pronouns, but I’m not adverse to gender neutral pronouns either (and have a growing fondness for they/their/theirs and ze/hir/hirs). But in most other regards, I’m much more “typical” of genderqueer: preferring neither masculine nor feminine manner of dress or appearance, tending towards the middle but wandering in either direction occasionally, as well as being very androgynous in personality, a healthy blend of both masculine and feminine without strongly going in either direction.
I’m not an androgyne, I don’t identify that way, but I am beginning to wonder about the rest. So yeah, a lot of growth within myself, which lead to more questions for more growth. I hope to have further such discussions with people, whether in an organized group setting like that night, or something informal. I’m really finally finding myself. And losing myself at the same time. That blissful middle ground.
So I guess the message here is, never stop learning about yourself. Never stop questioning, because we’re always growing and evolving, and sometimes previously held notions may change.